


F. I. N. E.

by TinCanTelephone



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Denial, F/M, Jealousy, Kay the Cat, and Kay's a cat, and all that good stuff, where they all work in an office
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 03:50:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14536002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/pseuds/TinCanTelephone
Summary: Urban dictionary definition of "Fine:" Fucked-up, insecure, neurotic, and emotionalCassian returns to Phoenix after eighteen months in Vancouver hoping everything's the same as it was when he left.It's not, of course. But he's okay with that. He's fine. Everything's fine.





	F. I. N. E.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [csectumsempra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/csectumsempra/gifts).



> For @cassianserso on tumblr for the May the Fourth exchange!! May the fourth be with you– I hope you like this fic <3
> 
> Prompt: " _I'm not jealous._ "
> 
> Thanks a million to @firefeufuego for reading this over and assuring me it doesn't suck! Couldn't have done it without you, girl :)
> 
>  
> 
> Update: The lovely [@leaiorganas](https://leaiorganas.tumblr.com/) has made an _amazing_ [moodboard](https://leaiorganas.tumblr.com/post/175683826790) for this– seriously, it's beautiful and perfect and you should check it out. Or have it next to you on the screen while you're reading this :)

As soon as his plane touched down in Phoenix, Cassian felt a huge, involuntary smile spread across his face. Muscles in his shoulders he didn't even realize were tense relaxed as he sat back in his cramped window seat. It was just past 3 in the afternoon (local time) and the sunlight beating through the tiny window already felt warmer than anything he'd felt in eighteen months.

He took off his parka as soon as he stepped into the dry Arizona heat and resisted the instinct to stuff it in the nearest trash can. He didn't, because it was a gift and he'd grown quite fond of it during the Vancouver winters, but he wouldn't need it here and he couldn't be happier. He was finally home.

Eighteen months was a long time. He didn't really think about it when he left, but now that he was finally back he realized how much he must've missed. He counted all the things that were different from the taxi between his apartment. A skyscraper topped with the Verizon logo when he left now said MetLife, there was a new building off exit 8 advertising luxury loft apartments.

His landlady's daughter had had a baby and was now showing pictures to anyone who asked (or didn't). There was a new dent on his couch where the grad student to whom he'd sublet his apartment apparently liked to hang out, and he discovered that night that the closest bodega to him had changed ownership and was no longer open 24 hours.

Despite all that, he fell asleep smiling, face turned towards the cracked window and night-time breeze. Tomorrow, he'd go back to work at his Phoenix office, with all his old friends and co-workers. He could picture the office exactly, and he hoped the layout hadn't changed too much while he was gone– so he could go around the room and find everyone again right where he'd left them.

 

Of course, he barely had a chance to glance around before Bodhi nearly tackled him. "You're back!"

Cassian stumbled backwards but dutifully returned the hug. "Good to see you too, Bodhi." He stepped back. "You cut off your ponytail!"

"Oh yeah." Bodhi touched the back of his neck. "A few months ago, I think. I just got sick of dealing with it."

"It looks good." Cassian took a deep breath. "What… what else have I missed?"

Bodhi shook his head as he lead Cassian through the office to his old desk. "Don't worry about it, Cass. You'll be all caught up by the end of tonight. There's going to be a surprise party at the Falcon after wo– shit!"

There was a burst of laughter from the cubicles behind them. "Pay up." Wedge held out his hand and Luke slapped a twenty into his palm.

"Oh, come on!" Bodhi said, red ears no longer hidden by his hair.

Cassian smiled. Some things didn't change.

 

Cassian's circle of friends at Alliance Pharmaceuticals took over most of the bar down the street, which had been little more than a hole in the wall when he left. Since then it had been refinished to such an extent he almost didn't recognize it when he walked in. The floor was new hardwood (or maybe it was just clean), the plaster walls exposed brick, and Edison bulbs hung above the bar. If he didn't know any better, he'd say the former dive bar was almost cool.

"It looks great, right?" Bodhi reached out and pulled him into a booth with Luke and Wedge.

"Yeah…" Cassian looked up to the ceiling, complete with exposed rafters and ventilation. "Is this place under new management or something?" Han Solo didn't strike him as the guy to buy into the new vintage hipster vibe,

Wedge snorted. "You could say that."

Luke and Bodhi laughed and Cassian stared at them.

"You know how we got Han to give us half price on drinks tonight?" Bodhi said.

"How?"

"I bet Leia said she'd withhold sex," Wedge said.

"I'm sorry, _what_?"

Luke rolled his eyes. "Leia's dating Solo."

"Really?"

"It's a new thing," Bodhi said. "Well, new-ish."

"There's only so much sexual tension two people can withstand before they finally bone," said Wedge.

"And you can't date a marketing executive when your bar still looks like something out of the late 90's," Luke said as he and Wedge stood to get more beer.

"Right." Cassian looked around again. The bar was quickly filling up, almost entirely with people from the office. "How many people did you invite?"

Bodhi shrugged. "Most of the floor, I guess."

Cassian craned his neck for a view of the door.

"And before you ask, yes– including IT."

Cassian made a sudden, very conscious effort to relax. "I wasn't going to ask."

"Sure you weren't." Bodhi took a pull of his beer. "But, even though I know you totally don't care, Jyn said she'd come and she's at the bar right now."

Cassian leaned back and very pointedly did not turn around to look. "That's great. It'll be good to see her."

"Really?" Bodhi leaned forward. "That's it?"

"What else should I say?"

"I mean… you haven't seen her in a _year and a half_." Bodhi glanced around and lowered his voice. "And when you left, I seem to remember you having a huge crush on her."

"So?" Cassian shrugged. "That was a year and a half ago. She wasn't interested, so I moved on."

"How do you know?"

"How do I know what?"

"How do you know she wasn't interested."

"Like I said, I've moved on." Cassian wasn't interested in re-hashing the past. Sure, he thought Jyn was pretty, and got to know her fairly well when she first started four years ago and his office mate at the time had a habit of locking himself out of the company internet. And sure, _maybe_ he had a _little_ crush on her for a while, but she never showed any particular interest and then he had to move to Vancouver so he figured he could use the time away to get over her. And he was. He was completely over her.

So he shouldn't feel at all self-conscious about turning around to see her. She was a friend, after all, and he hadn't seen her in eighteen months.

He turned around, saw her, then did a double-take. "Is Jyn wearing _makeup_?" He knew she was a fan of eyeliner, but he'd never seen her wear any more than that. Tonight he could see mascara at least, and something red and shiny on her lips… not that he cared, of course.

"Maybe." Bodhi didn't seem surprised. "She might be meeting Scott after this."

"Who?"

"Scott Melshi. I think he goes to her gym or something."

Cassian glanced over his shoulder again, hoping it looked more casual than it felt. "And they're… dating?"

"Yeah. It's been like… four months? Five months? A while. Why?" Bodhi smirked and tapped Cassian's shin with his foot. "Jealous?"

"Of course not." Cassian finished his beer and frowned at the empty bottle. Where were Luke and Wedge with the next round? "She can date whoever she wants. I'm glad she's happy."

 

Of course, that did _not_ mean he wanted to meet this… _Scott_ character. He just didn't feel the need to be involved in Jyn's personal life in that way. They weren't that kind of friends.

So goodness knows how two hours later he found himself sitting across from Jyn and Scott-from-the-gym.

Jyn had greeted him with a wide smile and a hug, which he had thoroughly enjoyed. (And during which he most certainly didn't notice that in addition to makeup, she was also wearing perfume.) He'd forgotten how much he missed that smile, and her voice.

"It's so good to see you, Cass," she said after letting him go.

"It's good to see you too," he said. "I can't believe it's been a year and a half."

"I know," she said. "I have so much to tell you… we have to catch you up on _everything_."

"Can't wait." He settled back into the booth, ready to listen to every story she had to tell about what he'd missed, but she didn't sit down across from him right away, instead turning around and pulling another man forward.

"First things first– Cassian, this is Scott."

"Nice to meet you." Cassian held out his hand.

"Likewise." Scott shook it. "I've heard a lot about you."

Cassian wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, but thankfully Jyn interrupted to ask him to get more drinks and Scott made his way back to the bar.

"He seems nice," Cassian said as Jyn slid onto the bench across from him.

She nodded. "He is."

"Bodhi said… you met at the gym?"

"Yeah." She smiled and huffed a laugh. "He just _happened_ to pick the treadmill next to mine every other day for two weeks before he finally asked me out."

Cassian swallowed around the unexpected pang in his chest at the words _two weeks_. He saw Jyn nearly every day for two and a half years and he never managed to get so far as coffee with her outside the break room. Not that it mattered now. Those feelings were in the past.

"So it's going well?" he finally said.

"Yeah. I mean it's been… almost five months and I really like him."

"That's great, Jyn. Really great."

"What's really great?"

Cassian jumped as Scott sat down next to Jyn with their drinks. "Uh… that you and Jyn are so good together.

Scott grinned. "Thanks, man. Here." He handed Cassian one of the beers.

Cassian blinked and fumbled for his wallet. "Oh– how much do I owe you?"

Scott waved a hand. "Don't worry about it."

"…Thanks." Cassian took a tentative sip and tried to hide his grimace at the awkward pause that followed.

Scott looked back and forth between them. "Well, don't let me interrupt. I'm sure you have a lot to catch up on."

"Of course." Jyn spoke up again, shaking her head as if snapping out of a trance, before launching into a story about a day when the entire company server crashed and it took so long to figure out why everyone got two full days off work.

Cassian laughed and nodded and did his best to ignore Scott and the way his arm slowly made its way up to rest across Jyn's shoulders, or the way her hand came up to meet his and the way their fingers seemed to casually intertwine.

He left the bar that night feeling unsettled and irritable but mostly annoyed with himself for feeling that way. Too many things had changed while he was gone, and he felt like he missed out on so much. It was… hard to adjust.

 

* * *

 

"Don't you want to sit down?" Bodhi said from the break room table.

"Nope, I'm good." Cassian sipped his coffee and shifted his weight against the counter. "I've been sitting all morning." He tried and failed not to glance over Bodhi's shoulder at the hallway.

Bodhi turned around, then looked back at Cassian. "Oh, I see what's going on."

"Nothing's going on."

Bodhi turned around again. "From where you're standing, you have a perfect view of the door to Jyn's office."

Cassian shrugged. "I didn't notice."

"So lean against the opposite counter."

"I'm comfortable here."

"Luke spilled water all over that counter right before you got here. There's probably a stripe on the back of your shirt."

Cassian shifted and became aware of a cold spot spreading across his lower back. He downed the rest of his coffee and tried not to throw the mug into the sink. "I'm done anyway."

"Really? Because Jyn might join us for her lunch break."

"Stop it, Bodhi."

"Stop what?"

"Trying to trick me into telling you I still like Jyn. I don't. We're friends."

"Okay, fine. Jyn's not joining us for lunch."

Cassian nodded. "Thank you." He was about to leave when something occurred to him. "Wait, how do you know that?"

Bodhi raised an eyebrow and sipped his coffee. "Scott's taking her out today. I think they're going to Alderaan, that nice tapas place on 45th."

"Oh." Cassian cleared his throat. "That sounds nice. Good for her. Them."

"Really?"

"Bodhi, for the last time, _I'm not jealous_."

"Okay, okay." Bodhi raised his hands. "You're totally fine, I get it."

"Good." Cassian stepped into the hall.

"How's Egypt this time of year?"

"What?"

"Because you're currently swimming in _de-Nile_."

Cassian refused to dignify that with a response, although he wished the break room had a door he could slam on his way out.

 

Bodhi was wrong, of course, Cassian thought as he sat at his desk and made a poor attempt to focus on work. He did not _like_ Jyn (at least, not in that way), and he was not in denial. He missed her, of course, but because they were friends. He liked to think he helped her get settled with the company when she first started, and he liked talking to her in general. She was the kind of person he felt like he could talk to about anything, for any length of time, which he thought was a pretty rare and valuable thing.

He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. Dammit, he should _not_ be thinking like this. He stood up and opened the window, taking a deep breath of the dry, hot air. It was a refreshing change from the over-cooled, over-filtered air of the office building. At least, he thought it was over-cooled.

He remembered one time Jyn came into his office and looked horrified that he had the window open before practically vaulting over his desk to close it.

"You're letting out all the cold air!"

He stepped in front of her and held it open. "Because otherwise I'd freeze to death."

She smiled and shook her head. "Baby."

"Don't you think they over-air condition this place?"

"I think opening the window _in the middle of summer_ is a little extreme."

"It's nice out."

"It's 100 degrees outside."

He grinned. "Yeah. Nice."

"You're crazy."

"I'm not."

"If you think it's so nice out, have lunch with me outside, on the roof."

Her smile was blinding– impish and wide enough to reach her eyes– so he agreed and they had lunch on the roof that day. The joke ended up being on her as she complained about the heat the entire time and had to call it quits before he did. Although he felt bad when he saw the sweat stains on her button down, so he lent her his blazer for the rest of the day. It was too big for her to completely pull it off as hers, but no one questioned it, and he had to pinch himself every time he saw her in it to keep himself from staring.

Cassian blinked and re-focused on the parking lot outside his window. As he watched, the familiar figure of Jyn walked outside next to the less-familiar figure of Scott. They were talking, and he saw her toss her head back as they stood by his car. Her laugh floated up to him as they got in and drove away. Off to that tapas place, he assumed. The expensive one.

He abruptly turned around and stared very hard at his computer screen. She was happy. She was with someone. And happy. His feelings were in. The. Past. They had to be.

 

* * *

 

"To the future!"

Cassian jumped at the end of Kes's engagement toast and belatedly raised his… fourth? fifth? glass of wine. Whatever number it was, he was definitely feeling it and should maybe slow down if he was going to walk himself home.

Jyn glanced over at him. "You okay?"

He cleared his throat. "Yeah. I'm fine." He took another sip of wine. "What is this? It's really good."

She gave him an odd look. "I think it's just the house red."

He felt his face heat up and tried to hide it by poking at the remains of his roast chicken. "Well it's still good."

She looked more closely at him. "Come on, Cassian. You've been moody all evening– what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I don't know. Just tired, I guess."

She raised an eyebrow. "That's three different answers."

He tried to smile. "The last one. It's been a long week."

"Yeah? Well, I guess it was your first week back and you're still settling in and all that. Gosh, I've barely seen you _at all_. We have to fix that."

"Definitely." Cassian took a deep breath and tried to diffuse the new tightness in his chest. He used to see Jyn every day, or every other day at least. Between lunch breaks and tech support calls that took her to his area, it would just _happen_. They didn't used to have to plan these things.

Jyn suddenly turned away to respond to something Scott said. He was sitting on her other side, and every time his right hand fell below the table, Cassian imagined it resting on her knee, soft and affectionate. It happened three times, he thought, during Kes's toast–

He shook his head and pushed his wine glass away. He'd definitely had too much. And he was pretty sure the romantic atmosphere of Kes and Shara's engagement party was what was putting him in such a foul mood. He loved his friends and was glad they were tying the knot, but it was hard to see them so close, so together, when he still felt so isolated.

As soon as was socially acceptable, he shrugged on his jacket and made to leave.

Bodhi caught him by the door. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Heading out already?"

"Tired."

"Is it… them?" Bodhi cocked his head towards Jyn and Scott with a horribly sympathetic look on his face that made Cassian's insides curl.

"No, it's not them."

Bodhi looked skeptical. "So you're going to leave without saying goodbye?"

Despite himself, Cassian looked over and saw Jyn and Scott talking with Kes and Shara, standing shoulder-to-shoulder, their fingers intertwined. "They're busy."

"She's going to be upset that you left without saying anything."

"I'm sure she'll be okay."

Bodhi frowned. "You're important to her, you know. She missed you while you were gone, just like everyone else."

"I'll see her next week."

"Come on, Cassian."

"What?"

Bodhi sighed, almost a groan. "Just admit you're leaving because it's hard to see Jyn with Scott. It'll make this so much easier."

Cassian turned and pushed the restaurant door open. "Goodbye, Bodhi." He had to get outside, he had to clear his head.

It wasn't that late, so he took a longer, more circuitous route to his apartment to walk off some of the mess that was his thoughts. He wanted all of this to be because he'd been gone so long. He was upset because of everything he'd missed. When did Kes decide to propose? When did Leia start dating a bar owner? When did the fourth floor break room get an espresso machine?

He didn't make that many friends in Vancouver, and he was looking forward to coming back and sliding back into all his old friend groups. It disturbed him that after seven days back he still felt this separated from them.

There was a sharp noise to his left and he snapped out of his maudlin thoughts. He looked up and realized he was standing outside a pet store. Based on the sign on the door, it was 20 minutes from closing and there were still a few animals on display in the window. The noise he'd heard was the bark of a terrier, wagging its tail and trotting back and forth across its small enclosure.

It looked sad and lonely, as pets behind glass walls tended to, but the terrier looked young and was cute enough that Cassian had little doubt it would be adopted at some point for some deserving child's birthday.

He was about to continue walking when he paused at the store's other window display. It was a grey shorthair tabby perched on the small cat tree, its yellow eyes that almost glowing in the light from the streetlamp. Cassian thought it looked regal, although perhaps a touch unfriendly from the way it was looking down at the terrier, presumably at the dog's undignified display of affection.

Without really thinking about it, Cassian turned and walked inside the store.

A bored-looking employee looked up from the register at the sound of the bell. "Good evening, sir. How can I help you?"

"I… was just curious about the cat in the window."

"Mittens?"

"Is that its name?"

The girl shrugged. "Nah, that's just what I call him. He's a rescue. Didn't come with a name."

"Oh." Cassian hesitated, then said, "Can… how do I adopt him?"

 

As soon as Cassian opened the box in his apartment, the cat bolted and disappeared under his bed. Cassian pursed his lips. The girl at the pet store let him meet the cat briefly in a room at the back and he thought they'd gotten along, but he left it for now and hurried back out to the nearest Wal-Mart to pick up food, litter, and a litter box. And maybe a cat brush and a few toys.

On the way, he considered a name. He hated _Mittens_ , which sounded far too generic and too… warm for this cat. He felt like 'Mittens' was the reserved type, kind of like the collie his Abuela had when he was a kid. Cassian had dubbed it Kay, at that point in his life obsessed with becoming a police officer and fascinated with K-9 units.

By the time he returned to his apartment, he had decided to call his new companion Kay the second. He made a mental note to go back to the pet store at some point to get a collar and a tag. He set up the litter box, showered, then laid down on his bed with a catnip mouse and stayed as still as possible, hoping Kay II would eventually emerge to investigate.

He never did, but Cassian fell asleep still hopeful. They had the entire weekend to get to know each other.

 

* * *

 

Much to his frustration, Cassian didn't make much progress over Saturday or Sunday. Kay must've come out from under the bed at some point to eat and use the litter box, but while Cassian was awake he remained firmly under the bed.

Cassian wasn't sure what would've happened if their bonding time hadn't been extended to Monday when he woke up with flickery vision and a splitting headache. Barely able to stand the light of his phone, he sent his boss an email calling in sick before curling up on his side and doing his best to relax, lying as still as possible in the dark for most of the morning.

At some point, he woke from a light doze to two yellow eyes staring back at him from the floor next to his nightstand. If he'd been in a little less pain he might've jumped out of his skin, but as it was, he just stared back and didn't move.

He and Kay studied each other for a while, as if considering the possibility the other was trustworthy, before Kay seemed to make a decision and jumped lightly onto the bed. Cassian froze and waited as Kay made his way around his legs before approaching his hands. His fingers twitched at the touch of Kay's cold nose, but his patience paid off when Kay rubbed his face firmly against Cassian's hand– several times on each one, then settled down in the bend of his knees. Cassian hardly dared to breathe at this miraculous step forward, but when a low purr began to emanate from Kay's chest, he couldn't help himself from slowly reaching back to scratch the cat behind his ears before settling back to sleep.

 

The headache had mostly faded when Cassian's phone rang, which was enough to startle Kay into leaping off the bed in a tangle of limbs and diving back underneath. Glaring at nothing in particular, Cassian answered it.

"What's up, Bodhi?"

"Cassian!" Bodhi seemed surprised. "Where are you?"

"Home. I had a migraine." Cassian stared at the place where Kay had disappeared, as if he could will him to come out again.

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry– I can go–"

"No, it's okay. I'm all right. You just scared Kay, that's all." Cassian gave up on Kay and sat up against the headboard.

"Oh, that's goo– wait, _who?"_

 _Shit._ "It's not what you think. Kay's my cat."

"You have a cat? Since when?"

"Friday."

"After the engagement dinner?"

"…Yeah."

"Is this about what I said? Because I called to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you, I was being a jerk."

"No, it's not about that at all, I just… I saw him in the pet store and I felt like there was a connection. Don't worry about… That, Bodhi. I'm fine." As if to prove it to himself, Cassian kicked the duvet aside and padded into the kitchen, poking around for something light to eat.

"You keep saying that."

"Saying what?"

" _Fine._ You keep saying you're _fine_."

"I am." He pulled out a box of rice crackers and began looking for something to put on them.

"No you're not. 'Fine' is the word people use when they're just saying they're okay but they're really not."

"That's not true."

"It so is. Do you know what the actual definition of 'fine' is? It's an acronym."

"What?"

"It stands for _fucked-up, insecure, neurotic,_ and _emotional._ F, I, N, E."

"That's ridiculous." Cassian slumped into a chair at his kitchen table.

"You just impulse-bought a _cat_ – I can't think of another way to better embody all of those things."

Cassian ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know what to tell you Bodhi. I really am fi– I mean _okay_. I'm _okay_."

"Whatever." Bodhi said. "Cassian?"

"Yeah?"

"You know you can talk to me, right? About anything."

"I know. Thank you."

"So when– if– you want to talk about… whatever, just let me know, okay?"

"Goodbye, Bodhi."

 

* * *

 

Jyn came by his office the next day. She announced herself by knocking and easing the cracked door open, which made Cassian frown. She used to just barge into his office whenever and start talking.

She relaxed a little when he looked up, but hovered by the door.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey." She shifted from foot to foot and she seemed reluctant to meet his eyes.

"What–"

"Are y–"

He shook his head. "You go first."

"Okay." She stepped forward, pushing her hair behind her ears. "I was just wondering how you were doing. You know, since you weren't here yesterday."

He smiled. "I'm fine." _Dammit_ , why did he keep using that word? "How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Good. That's good." There was a long pause. Cassian desperately tried to think of something to say. Some neutral but interesting topic that would make her feel comfortable and reset their friendship to the easy thing it was before, but nothing came to him. Everything seemed loaded now, and off-limits.

Jyn fiddled with her hair, then pushed it behind her shoulder again. "Sorry if this has been… weird. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"It's not weird," Cassian said. _And there's nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all_.

Jyn huffed. "You're a liar." She slumped into his extra office chair. "But I appreciate it." She drummed her fingers on the armrests. "So how was Vancouver?"

Cassian laughed and tilted his chair back so he could feel some of the sun on his shoulders from the window behind him. "Awful. Miserable. Cold."

She laughed as well and he felt a wave of relief as the tension began to ease. "I knew you'd hate it," she said. "I can't believe you agreed to go."

Cassian shrugged. "I wasn't exactly given a choice."

"Did the parka help at all?"

"Yes. More than you can imagine. Thank you again." It was the best, warmest jacket he'd ever owned. She wouldn't tell him how much she spent on it, which meant the answer was _too much_.

She waved her hand. "No problem. If it helped you survive Canada in January, it was worth it."

He ducked his head. "Thank you." Her words made his chest constrict and he wanted to come around his desk and embrace her. He stopped himself, folding his hands together on his desk.

Then he swallowed and had to look down because Bodhi was right, of course. He still liked Jyn. Like, _liked_ her liked her. He was a fool for ever thinking otherwise.

He he should've told her before he left. He should've told her a month into meeting her, because he should've known right then that he was a goner.

"Cassian?"

Shit, he'd been quiet too long. "Yeah?" He looked up to her confused, sad (beautiful) face and shook his head. "Sorry, just distracted."

"Oh, sorry. I should let you work." She stood up, but kept looking at him as if she wanted him to ask her to stay.

He did, he really really did. He knew she just missed him (as friends) and wanted to keep hanging out, catching up (as friends), but he just smiled and nodded and watched her go. As soon as the door closed behind her he could drop his neutral expression and press his hands to his eyes because now that he'd thought it, he couldn't go back.

 

He got nothing done all day, driven to distraction thinking about Jyn– what would've happened if he'd told her how he felt earlier, and worse, how he was going to act around her now. Bodhi was busy (something about a sales goal deadline coming up) so Cassian's thoughts were stuck in his head, knocking around and interrupting everything else. 

It was the same when he got home, and he spent thirty minutes staring at his laptop before turning to Kay, curled up on the sofa next to him.

"I think I might love her."

Kay blinked and raised his head to stare at Cassian, who reddened because _was this his life now?_ One-sided conversations with his cat?

"I do," he said anyway. "I think I have since I met her, or not too long after."

Kay cocked his head.

"And… I never told her because I thought it was just a crush, you know?"

Kay sat up and stretched.

"I mean, I thought it would pass."

Kay leaned forward, as if he were about to jump off the couch.

"I mean– I didn't think she'd ever feel the same way."

Kay paused, turned his head back to Cassian.

"Happy?" Cassian did his best to glare at him.

Kay looked at him a while, as if considering the value of Cassian's honesty, then turned around and curled up again, this time his back pressed against Cassian's thigh.

Cassian sighed and scratched behind his ears. "Tell me what to do, Kay."

 

* * *

 

Cassian couldn't tell whether it had always been this way or if he was just beginning to realize it again, but Scott seemed to be around _all the Goddamned time_. He glared out his office window as he and Jyn crossed the parking lot after going out to lunch _again_. Did this guy even have a job? He must, if he could afford to take Jyn out all the time, but he must have ridiculously relaxed hours or something…

Cassian pushed too hard away from the window and barked his shin on his desk. "Ow! Shit–"

"Everything okay?" Bodhi poked his head in the door.

"Yeah. What's up?"

"Well, a bunch of people are planning on going to the Falcon after work on Friday. You in?"

Cassian felt himself relax a bit. Group trips to bar after a long week. Another thing he'd missed in Vancouver.

Then Jyn slipped in after Bodhi, her cheeks still flushed from the heat outside and breathing hard from the stairs. For a second, Cassian wondered if her lips weren't a little pink as well from when Scott kissed her goodbye, then averted his eyes and scolded himself. It was none of his business. Christ, is this what it was going to be like around her now? Constantly noticing things he shouldn't, thinking things he shouldn't, paying too much attention to her and Scott?

"You coming to the bar?" she said.

Right. Because of course Jyn would be going. And probably with Scott, too. "Uhh, what time?"

Bodhi shrugged. "4:30? 5?"

"Oh." Cassian looked at his desk and shuffled a few folders around. "I'm– um, actually pretty busy this week. With, uh, some new hires and… stuff."

"Really?" she wheedled, leaning forward and resting her hands on his desk.

Cassian shrugged and stared harder at the folders. "I'll probably be too tired to really enjoy it."

"We could sit outside," she said. "And it'll be super hot– just the way you like it. You could enjoy the desert again."

Cassian shook his head and tried to think of something else to say.

"Come on– you can't keep enjoying the outside from your window." Jyn abruptly came around his desk and closed it. "You know you're wasting energy when you do that." She was smiling, trying to get him to play along with their old game, but Cassian suddenly wasn't in the mood.

He stood up and opened it again without looking at her. "I don't care."

She frowned. "Sorry, I was just kidding."

Bodhi was staring. "Is everything okay, Cassian?"

"Yeah. I mean– yes, everything's– I'm fine." _Fucked-up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional_. Cassian cringed internally and turned to face Jyn again, his neck hot. "I'm sorry, Jyn. I'm just… stressed."

"It's okay." She pursed her lips. "You're sure you don't want to come to the bar?"

Cassian swallowed. "Yeah. I'm sure."

 

Jyn looked at him differently after that, with a reservation she didn't have before. It made his chest hurt to see it, so he started to go out of his way to avoid it. He took stairwells he knew she didn't use, ate lunch in his office instead of the break room. He even began staying a little late so he wouldn't see her in the lobby as he left. It worked for three days, until he saw her on the curb of the parking lot, fiddling with her necklace and watching the street.

He nodded at her, then ducked his head and kept walking.

"Hey!"

He stopped and turned around, walking back towards her without really meaning to. If he was honest, he missed her. Almost more than he did from Vancouver. It made a sort of sense, in his head. Even though he was with her now, she still felt so Goddamn far away.

"Whatever I did, I'm sorry," she said. Her shoulders were rounded, arms crossed against the vague chill of the evening.

He stopped before he got too close to her, although in his mind he came right up next to her, put his arm around her shoulders and pressed her to his chest so she wouldn't be cold and she wouldn't be alone. "You didn't do anything," he said. "I'm the one who should be sorry."

She nodded. "I… I just miss you, that's all." Her fingers moved back to her necklace. "I wanted things to go back to the way they were."

"Me, too." _More than anything._ He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "What… what are you still doing here? It's getting late."

She grimaced. "My car won't start. I think it's finally given up the ghost."

He almost smiled at the thought of her old '98 Sentra– always a clunky, unreliable thing. "Do you need a ride?"

She shook her head. "Scott's on his way." She paused. "I… I thought you went home."

His heart twisted at the idea that she'd thought of him, then again at the mention of Scott. "Okay." He turned to go.

"Wait."

He stopped.

"That… that's not what's different, is it? Scott?" Her voice was higher than normal, almost desperate, and Cassian couldn't find the strength to tell her the truth.

"No," he said. "That's not it."

"Okay." But her face didn't relax at all, as if the answer brought her no peace. "You like him okay?"

"Scott?"

"Yeah."

Cassian looked down and shook his head. "I don't know him that well."

"You… you could get to know him. He'll be at the Falcon tomorrow. You should– just come for a little bit, at least."

Cassian braced himself, then nodded. He could think of few things he wanted to do less, but if Jyn wanted him to go… "Yeah, I'll think about it."

"Really?" Jyn's voice still sounded unsteady and hesitant, like he'd never heard it before, and he wished he could do more, look her in the eyes and take away all her pain and doubt.

"Yes." It was as close as he could get.

"That's… Thank you. I really appreciate it."

"It's no problem." He finally turned away and drove home in a haze, ate something cold from the fridge for dinner, and laid awake in his bed for far too much of the night, Kay curled up against his chest.

 

* * *

 

"Cassian, you can't keep doing this to yourself," Bodhi said as they nursed beers at Han's bar on Friday, waiting for everyone else to arrive.

"Doing what?" Cassian said dully, tracing wet circles in the sweat on his bottle.

"Punishing yourself for liking Jyn."

"I'm not."

"You are. Why did you agree to come tonight? It's only going to hurt and you know it."

"It's important to her."

"It's important for you to stay sane." Bodhi glanced towards the door. "You can still leave. I'll just tell her you decided not to come."

"I'm not doing that."

"Cassian, please. Self-care is important."

Cassian leaned back on the bench seat. "It's important that I stay Jyn's friend."

"I know _,_ " Bodhi said. "But look at you– you're a mess. How much did you sleep last night?"

"It doesn't matter."

"And you've been getting headaches–"

"That's not related–"

"You need to take care of yourself, Cassian. Just say you're tired and go home."

"I can't." Although the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to. He felt like a coward and a terrible friend, but he told Jyn would be here, so he was going to stay. "She wants me to get to know Scott."

Bodhi groaned. "You can't agree to do that."

Cassian stared at the table. "It's what she wants."

"That's your problem, right there. You can't keep doing things just for her even when it hurts you. It's not fair, and you deserve better."

Cassian glanced up.

"You _do_." Bodhi said. He looked over Cassian's shoulder. "She's not here yet. Just go. Pet Kay for me, go to bed early."

"Fine." Cassian stood up. God, he was tired. He shrugged on his messenger bag like it was filled with lead weights and stepped outside the bar. He paused for a minute on the sidewalk and took a deep breath, letting the warm air wrap around him like a blanket after the chill of the air conditioning.

"Cass?"

His eyes snapped open and flew to his right, where Jyn and Scott were walking from the parking lot, holding hands. _Shit_.

"Where are you going?" Her eyes were wide and hurt and it felt like a knife in his ribs. He wanted to deny it, he wanted to lie and say he was just arriving, but she must've seen him step outside and he couldn't and he'd hurt her and oh, God…

"Home," he said, quieter than he meant to but it was hard to speak. "I'm just too tired. I'm sorry."

Scott nodded. "Have a good weekend." He began to walk into the bar, but Jyn didn't move.

"I thought you would be here tonight," she said.

"I know. But I have to go. I'm sorry." He wished she'd stop looking at him like that. He couldn't leave when she held his eyes like that.

"Jyn, he's tired." Scott tugged on her hand. "Come on, it's hot out."

Jyn pulled her hand away. "Go in without me."

"What?"

"I'll just be a minute."

Scott looked carefully between Jyn and Cassian. "…No, I'll wait out here."

Jyn's jaw flexed. "You don't have to."

"I want to." Scott shrugged, but it looked stiff and uncomfortable.

The air became thick and charged and Cassian wished he could blink and be somewhere else.

"Scott, just go inside," Jyn said.

"No." Scot planted his feet. "Say goodnight and we can go in together."

Jyn ignored him. "You said you'd be here," she said to Cassian. "You said."

"Well, I–"

"Jyn, let it go," Scott said. "It's not a big deal." He reached for her arm.

Jyn pulled away and took a step back. "Don't touch me!"

Scott reached out again. "Look, I'm sorry–"

"Stop looking at me like that," she said

"Like what? Jyn–"

She finally turned to face him and Cassian began to back away. This was blowing up in the worst way possible and he was starting to panic. There was a ringing in his ears and he couldn't hear what Jyn said as he walked away. The last thing, the _last_ thing he wanted to do was make Jyn unhappy, but everything he did seemed to go wrong somehow and he was no good, no good for her.

At some point, he turned around and he walked so fast he was almost running two blocks to his car, where he sat at the wheel for nearly two minutes as he tried to stop his hands from shaking.

 

* * *

 

"It's not your fault," Bodhi said for the third time over break room coffee on Monday morning.

"It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't left," Cassian said. He was so sleep-deprived his eyes hurt and he was freezing. He wondered if they'd turned up the AC more than usual. He stared at his coffee, long since turned from lukewarm to stone cold.

"If that wasn't it, it would've been something else." Bodhi took a sip of his coffee and grimaced. "Relationships don't just fall apart that suddenly if there isn't something behind it."

"I still feel responsible."

"Well it it makes you feel any better, I don't think she blames you."

"How do you know?"

Bodhi shrugged. "It's an educated guess." He raised an eyebrow. "You could go talk to her about it."

"I wouldn't know what to say."

"Just… say you're sorry it happened."

"Seriously?"

"I don't know." Bodhi stood and dumped his coffee in the sink. "Whatever you usually say to your friends when they're dumped."

"I don't know what that is." Cassian rubbed his arms. _Christ_ , how far did they turn it down? He dumped out his coffee as well. "I'm going outside to warm up."

Bodhi squinted at the window, where the sun was nearly at its height and probably beating down a toasty 98 degrees. "You're crazy."

"It's cold in here," Cassian muttered as he made his way to the stairwell. He thought about going downstairs to the courtyard, but instead turned and went up until he reached the door to the roof.

The light blinded him as he stepped outside, but he felt all his muscles relax in the heat and he let out a slow breath.

"Huh. I thought I could hide up here."

He heard Jyn before he saw her, sitting in the thin shadow of an air vent. Her shirt was unbuttoned and he could see lines of sweat appearing already on her grey undershirt. For a minute, he froze, not sure whether he should say something or if she'd want him to leave.

"You can stay."

"Okay." He hovered awkwardly by the door.

"And you can sit down. You know, if you want." She was staring at him again, with her sharp eyes that always seemed to capture him where he stood.

"Okay." He walked over sat carefully next to her, although out of the shade of the vent.

They were silent, and he couldn't tell if it was awkward or not.

Eventually, he took a chance and said, "About Friday–"

She stopped him. "Not your fault."

Ah. Bodhi was right. "Still, I'm sorry–"

"Not. Your fault."

"Okay." Maybe she didn't want to talk. They fell silent again and Cassian tried to focus on the heat, imagining the warmth from the sun moving through his skin and settling in his bones.

"I thought I–" Jyn started, then stopped. She took a breath, then tried again. "I thought it would be different. When you came back."

He didn't know what she meant, but he didn't ask.

"I waited for you, Cassian."

He froze.

"For three years, and you didn't say anything. I thought it was all in my head."

 _It wasn't, oh, Jyn, it wasn't_. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening.

"And when you left, I thought," she huffed, "Stupidly, that… whatever it was would go away. And when Scott asked me out it felt like… the perfect way to forget. But then you came back and I realized I can't. I don't think I ever could."

She turned to him, and as his eyes adjusted and he looked closer he could see they looked red, like she'd been crying. And it hit him all over again, how much he cared for her, and how much he hated seeing her sad and he felt all the air leave his lungs and he couldn't speak.

She shook her head and let her hair fall over her eyes. "I'm sorry. You don't– I shouldn't've said… I should go." She began to stand up.

"Wait." He caught her hand before it left the ground. "You don't have to go."

She stopped and stared at him.

He tried to hold her eyes and for the first time wondered if his eyes had a fraction of the power over her as hers did over him. "Please stay."

She sank back down to the concrete, and didn't move her hand from under his.

Slowly, because he couldn't quite believe this was real, he turned her palm to face his and gently interlaced their fingers. When he was sure she wouldn't pull away, he squeezed her hand tried to memorize the feeling of it, and the way their palms fit together like puzzle pieces.

"I wish you hadn't left," she murmured.

"Me, too," he said. He gripped her hand again. "I won't leave again."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

**Author's Note:**

> The end!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it :) 
> 
> Ending Credits  
> "Stay" - Rihanna & Mikky Ekko
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading, comments and kudos are love <3
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr, where I'm [cats-and-metersticks](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/) :) We can talk about Rebelcaptain and animals and stuff
> 
> Update: a short coda to this fic can be found at the end of [this post ](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/175989100795/random-scenes-that-wont-amount-to-anything) if you are so inclined :)


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